Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: This show is not a substitute for professional counseling and no relationship is created between the show hosts or guests and any listener. If you feel you are in need of professional mental health and are a UA student, we encourage you to contact the UA Counseling center at 348-3863 if you are not a UA student, please contact your respective county's Cris service hotline or their local mental health agency or insurance company. If it is an emergency situation, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
[00:00:43] Speaker B: Again for brain matters, the official radio show of the UA Counseling center. We are broadcasting from the campus of the University of Alabama. Good evening. My name is Dr. B. J. Gunther and I'm the host of the show along with my colleague and producer Catherine Howell, who is absent tonight, but she'll join us. She'll be back at the first week of February, I believe. In case you don't know, the show is about mental and physical health issues that affect college students and in particular UA students. So you can listen to us each Tuesday night at 06:00 p.m. On 90.7 fm, or you can listen on www.edu. Or you can also download the MyTuner Radio app and just type in wVUaFM 90.7. Also, if you have any ideas for upcoming shows, please email those to me. This is our first show for the spring semester, so we've got 13 or 14 shows planned throughout the semester and we don't do shows in the summer. So if you have any ideas for upcoming shows, please email those to me at brainmattersradio at wvuafm ua.edu and of course I'll consider using your show topics and I'll try to remember to give out this email address periodically. I always forget, and since Catherine's not here tonight, I'm really going to have to try hard to remember to give that out. So anybody who's know we've done shows about just general topics, depression, stress management, time management, test anxiety, but sometimes it's good to revisit those topics every once in a while. So we may pick up on some shows that we've done in the past and it's been a while. So if you have ideas, don't think that they are out of our reach or that we wouldn't be willing to talk about it, because this is about college mental health. We'll talk about just about anything. I've been working here at the counseling center as a staff therapist for, I don't know, 18 or 19 years now. I don't want to say I've seen it all, because the minute I say that, something else, you will walk through the door. But I've seen a lot. So once again, the email here is brainmattersradio at wvuafm ua.edu. Tonight's topic is an interesting one. And when I told my colleagues yesterday in one of our meetings what the topic was going to be tonight, they were like, very intrigued. Signs your partner is cheating on you. How do you know if your partner is cheating? Usually, if you're asking this question, you already suspect you're the victim of infidelity, or at the very least, that something is amiss about your relationship. And the signs of cheating look different in every relationship, of course. But there are some common threads that you can look for. And my guest tonight is joining us from Los Angeles, California, which it's a little bit earlier out there. So I appreciate you being on the show, Audrey. Hope. Audrey, you have done so much as a relationship expert. I want you to tell the listeners more about yourself. And thanks for being on the show, by the way.
[00:03:46] Speaker C: Oh, I'm so happy to be here.
[00:03:48] Speaker B: It's a long interview.
It's a long introduction. Tell the listeners about yourself, your credentials, why you're interested in this topic.
[00:03:57] Speaker C: Yes. Well, I am a soul healer, and I've been working, doing healing for about 25 years now, celebrities, people from all walks of life. And I go to another level, which is beyond the rational mind, which makes it really quite exciting and quite fun to go beyond what you would normally do in the mind. So from, like, past life, the other side, just a higher level of things. And I work at seasons rehab in Malibu, which is for many years. And that we do addiction. I do everything. Relationship trauma. And what I do is a missing piece.
That's my gift, to be able to add a piece of the pie that I don't know if anybody else is really doing that, which is to take a higher look at things. And it's just really fascinating to find out the reasons we really suffer and what can happen. When you take a higher perspective of things.
[00:05:16] Speaker B: Do you find that your clients, do they seek you out? Do they understand what your background is and what journey they're about to go on with you? And are there skeptics?
[00:05:31] Speaker C: Oh, yes. And they're the best kind. I love it because I love the challenge.
And what makes it work is the person suffering. If someone's suffering, that opens a door, right? They're on their knees. And when you're on your knees, I say you could look up, you're open, the door opens. Because sometimes I work with people who've tried everything. They've been to aa, they've been to rehab. The record has been 16 times. I work with someone.
[00:05:58] Speaker B: Wow.
[00:05:59] Speaker C: And they never, ever looked at self esteem, deeper things about what they came to earth to learn and why they're in that situation.
So I've never really lost anybody. I mean, in the years, I'm sure there's one or two, but even, let's say you're very catholic, very christian, and they hear spirituality that scares the hell out of them. And I just love it because I love the idea of us all becoming free thinkers. And if religion doesn't bring you to a higher truth in yourself, then what the hell is it for anyway? So no one has a problem after they meet me for like after five minutes.
[00:06:52] Speaker B: That was my next question is, how long does it take you to get someone to buy into what you're talking about?
[00:07:00] Speaker C: Well, they see that I'm a New Yorker.
They see I'm real.
[00:07:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:08] Speaker C: They see I understand, and I have a lot of compassion. So they're like, oh, we're not going to be talking about, like, know and the second coming or anything. They feel really relieved. And so that's what it is. I think that's where I hold my New York stuff. Really sacred. Know that's what it is when you're a New Yorker.
[00:07:30] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. Practical.
[00:07:31] Speaker C: Practical and real. And that has served me very well through the years.
[00:07:37] Speaker B: What about the topic, the signs that your partner is cheating? How did you become interested in that? And I think the way I learned about you is someone emailed me something about, I don't know if you wrote a book or an article. What was it?
[00:07:57] Speaker C: Well, I'm out in the media a lot right now.
I get that a lot. I've heard about you. I don't know where we are. All over the place, because my passion is to help everyone stop suffering and evolve in this horrible time period of confusion.
I am writing a book, the Spiritual Science of Love, which is about if you do what needs to be done, you will have love. I love to help people meet their soulmates.
And I tracked it for 25 years, what people do and what they're doing wrong, and say, if you do this, stop doing this and follow along, you will really be able to have great love.
Well, an example of that is I had someone in my office who was going to date her ex. I mean, the same guy. It was obvious. And I said, stop it right now call him up and say you're not doing it because you're repeating the same thing. And I said, I promise you, if you do this, he'll show the universe that you're not taking it anymore. You're not taking crumbs. You're not doing this. She did it. And then the next week, she went on a trip and she met her guy on a plane. And that's an example of how it can work.
[00:09:21] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:09:22] Speaker C: And that's powerful manifestation. There are secrets to it. You can heal to manifest. But you were talking about cheating. I think everybody can relate to that subject.
[00:09:34] Speaker B: Most definitely.
[00:09:35] Speaker C: Somewhere, somehow, you heard of it, or maybe it happened to you, and it's very painful. So if we take a higher look at it, I think we'll add some new information to it, because like I say, I like to lift everything up. It is, as you said in your intro, an example that something's not going right in the relationship.
[00:09:57] Speaker B: Yeah. It started long before finding out that they were cheating, sometimes with college students.
I don't know. I can't speak for everyone, but I know from the students I see most of them have had cheating. Some of them have done the cheating themselves.
But this is a lot of what I talk about with college students, to be honest with you.
[00:10:24] Speaker C: Right. And what are they doing? Looking at the instagrams and to see who they're with and sort of becoming a spy.
[00:10:31] Speaker B: Oh, my gosh. Right. When you TikTok.
[00:10:34] Speaker C: Right.
[00:10:34] Speaker B: I mean, there's something new. What was it the other day that one of them told me about? And I had not heard about this, and I was like, what is that? This is just another terrible way for you to, like you said, spy or stalk or just end up hurting themselves even more. Just finding out all this terrible information or becoming obsessed. Becoming obsessed.
[00:10:58] Speaker C: You don't want to become a spy and start looking if you have suspicions. But what you do want to be is powerful. So it's an opportunity to look at yourself and see what this brings up for you. So it's a tremendous way to heal because you don't want to go into a relationship without your power. Right. You don't want to give your power away to a man or to a woman. And if you don't have self esteem, you will look for someone else to validate you. And in a relationship, that's really dangerous. Right.
[00:11:36] Speaker B: Right.
And we're going to take a break in just a minute. But I want to ask you, how do you teach?
This may sound like a very simple question, but I love it. How do you teach people to improve their self esteem? As a therapist, I'm not going to lie. I do struggle with this, and I explain it to my students and my clients that it's a process.
You can't do it in one or two sessions. It doesn't happen overnight.
[00:12:04] Speaker C: Yes, but it's boundaries. Making new boundaries and laws of what you will no longer do. I will no longer take crumbs. I'll no longer give my power away. That's very strong.
I say marry the self. Right? Take a vow to treat yourself better. But another thing that I do, BJ, is look energetically at the connection with the other person that's really haunting you and causing you to be obsessed. Do you know we get hooked on to people energetically, so we can all find that. Yeah, it's really fascinating. I find that it's another level. Everybody can do it. They can close their eyes, and they can find out where they lost their power and where they're hooked in to someone, and it will look like a cord or a string. And if that's the case, that needs to be cut, because you could break up with someone, you could divorce someone, and it's on paper, but you're still connected energetically. So I have my clients look at what happened to them energetically, and I'll say, how much of your power did you give away? Did you give away 80% and you're living with 20. It becomes like a thing like that. We have to have 100% of our energy in our bodies, right? And if you're leaking your energy and giving that person 80% and you're living with 20, no wonder why you're exhausted and you have to energetically get it back. So self esteem is also a very deep, energetic thing of taking back your, let's just say, spiritual power, liquid light that you leaked out to that person. And it's fascinating to heal on that level, because people see it, they go, oh, my God, my mother still has it, my father still has it, my ex still has it. No wonder why I'm tired and drained. So that's an interesting piece, too, to self esteem.
[00:14:04] Speaker B: It's a very interesting piece. I think it's the most important piece, too. And if you can get someone to understand that and it clicks with them, it's amazing to watch, is it not?
[00:14:15] Speaker C: Yes, absolutely. When someone takes back their light, puts it back in, and makes a decision that they're not going to love that way, they're not going to do an exchange where you take everything. And you give me a few crumbs.
[00:14:28] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:14:29] Speaker C: That's not good math.
[00:14:31] Speaker B: No, it doesn't equal out. It doesn't equal out. Hey, let's take our first break, and when we come back, of course, I want to talk about the signs that we're talking about, that your partner may be cheating. But also I want to mention something about this breakup phenomenon. I don't know how many college age students, college age individuals you see or have seen, I'm sure you have over your career, but this breakup mentality, and I'll explain that when we come back. So if you'll hang on. You're listening to brain matters on 90.7, the Capstone.
[00:15:15] Speaker C: Tuscaloosa.
[00:15:17] Speaker A: This show is not a substitute for professional counseling, and no relationship is created between the show hosts or guests and any listener. If you feel you are in need of professional mental health and are a UA student, we encourage you to contact the UA Counseling center at 348-3863 if you are not a UA student, please contact your respective county's crisis service hotline or their local mental health agency or insurance company. If it is an emergency situation, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
[00:15:54] Speaker B: Hey, you're back listening to brain matters on 90.7, the capstone. I'm Dr. B. J. Gunther. We're talking tonight about the signs your partner may be cheating. And my guest is Audrey Hope. Audrey is joining us from California. Audrey, you're a relationship expert. How else would you describe yourself?
[00:16:13] Speaker C: Well, I'm a soul healer. I work with trauma, I work with addiction.
So it's all like a circle. In the middle is soul healing, higher level healing. And then all the pieces of the subjects, which would be relationships, trauma, addiction.
Why can't I get what I want? And all of it. So it's an umbrella, but it is a higher perspective.
The point of view is higher. Like, why is this happening to me? Or why did I meet this person? And sometimes it's karma. It has to do with what you came to this earth to heal. And it's a play we play out. And if you begin to see it as a mirror, all relationships as a mirror, you probably could ease your suffering right away. Right? Most people will go, he did this to me. She did this to me. Okay, wrong.
That's hell. It has to be. What is this person making me look at in myself? Because we do go through relationships in patterns. We meet the same person even though they look different. Right? Because you're doing the same thing and you are attracting the same thing.
[00:17:32] Speaker B: I have said that a million times. Yes, you're exactly right. I say it a little bit differently. You're a New Yorker. I can appreciate your bluntness. Because I'm blunt, I warn people. I'm like, if you can't handle me telling you like it is, you might as well change therapists, because you don't pay me to candy coat what's going on. Because sometimes it's just like what you say. Sometimes people will internally take the blame for what's going on in the relationship, or they don't recognize the pattern like you're talking about. And I'm like, maybe it's not that person necessarily. It's you choosing the same type of person every single time.
[00:18:15] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:18:15] Speaker B: To break that.
[00:18:17] Speaker C: Exactly right. And another important thing is to not be what I call soul twisted. You see, we get twisted and manipulated, and that is when someone else turns you. So if I say to you, this is a pen, we know it's a pen. It's very real. But if you manipulate someone, you go, that's not a pen.
And then you end up going crazy when you know. Right. So the idea is, another thing of self esteem is to not let people turn you and manipulate you. And when people. You're going through the cheating thing, the person feels guilty that they're cheating. Right. If it's a very serious relationship, they'll make it think it's you. No, I'm not. Oh, you're crazy. Why would you say that? And that's the soul twist you got. And when we do that in any fashion, it becomes very dangerous when you doubt yourself. So it really is not self esteem as much as self doubt that I say is spiritually dangerous. When you doubt yourself, you know someone's doing something, you intuitively feel it, and then they say, no, and you go, am I right? Am I doubting myself?
[00:19:31] Speaker B: Then you agree with them.
[00:19:32] Speaker C: Yeah, that's exactly right. And that's what you have to watch out for, the twisting.
[00:19:37] Speaker B: Okay, so the breakup, what I mentioned before, the break, the breakup issue that I'm seeing so much of now that drives me bonkers, is breaking. Someone will break up with them, with my client, let's say they'll come in devastated and they're still willing to be friends. Like, they think that's a badge of honor to continue to be friends with this person who just basically said, I don't want to be with you anymore. What do you think about that?
[00:20:09] Speaker C: Wow.
I'm with you 100%. Like, do you excuse their bad behavior. What level are you on where you're taking crumbs? Right. We can't take crumbs and we can't excuse it. If someone is a monster, we have to shut the door. If someone is Dracula, we have to shut the door. If someone is a narcissist, shut the door and we try to fix them, try to save them, try to understand them. I just did a video on this. Like, you can't make excuses for other people and then you take the hit. You're the one who goes drinking or something.
[00:20:51] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think a lot of times when that happens, the dumper.
[00:21:02] Speaker C: Gets away with it.
[00:21:04] Speaker B: They get all the benefit, and they don't have to feel guilty if the dumpee remains friends with them.
[00:21:09] Speaker C: Yes, exactly. Right. You cannot do the work for someone and take their baggage.
[00:21:16] Speaker B: No.
[00:21:17] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:21:17] Speaker B: Let's talk about the signs of cheating. Tell me what they are.
[00:21:21] Speaker C: Okay. So my very first one would be a New York one kind of energy would be changing the behavior. Like, in other words, the schedule.
[00:21:35] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:21:37] Speaker C: When someone's cheating, they usually do it in a pattern of a calendar. Every Wednesday, every Friday, and when the calendar changes in your relationship, and all of a sudden they're doing something regular on a weeknight or something. That's a sure tail sign. So that's number one.
[00:21:58] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:21:58] Speaker C: The routine changes, changing behavior and schedule.
[00:22:02] Speaker B: I find that some people who are suspecting that their partner is cheating try to. I don't know how to say this. They try to deny it.
[00:22:14] Speaker C: I guess they can't handle.
[00:22:17] Speaker B: They'll tell me, well, so and so is starting to do this, and that's not usually what he does. Like, I had someone yesterday say, he's out of town. This is a long distance relationship. He's out of town. And she's like, we always used to say goodnight, text goodnight. And then in the morning, it'd be the first thing, good morning. And he's changed that.
I don't think that necessarily means he's.
[00:22:45] Speaker C: Cheating, but that's a sure sign. But the other thing, which is number two, which is the lying. And the lying has a lot of pieces, right?
And the police call, it tells, you know, that they do tells. They can read the eyes, the body behavior. And if you know someone and they can't look at you in the eye, that's a tell. Or if they're acting weird or trying to talk fast, stuttering. These are tells. Right? So they also use distraction techniques, avoidance techniques. These are all tells. But also, another part of lying is, do they lie? About other things. Are you with a liar? Did you ever catch them in a lie? On other things? A person is a liar or they're not.
[00:23:30] Speaker B: Yeah, that's right.
[00:23:32] Speaker C: And the other thing is lying to self, which you just brought up. Right? You knew it. Most of my clients know it. They know it from day one, first.
[00:23:41] Speaker B: Date, just like I said in the introduction.
[00:23:43] Speaker C: Exactly. But they lie to themselves because they don't want to be alone or they're afraid to face something. So the lying to the self is probably the worst thing. And that's the first thing that needs to heal the reality. Stop lying to what are you afraid of?
Or why are you with this person? Why do you get married? That's the question. Why are you getting married? Do you want the money? Do you want the white picket fence? Do you want the illusion? Do you want to please a parent? Like, you need to get real, or do you want the money? I mean, you need to get real without lying to yourself. That's a real sign of beginning to heal when you get down with yourself. The other thing is, oh, this is so funny. They make so many excuses and they're so creative, like, oh, yeah, we got a new employee. It goes on and on.
[00:24:41] Speaker B: They start believing it themselves.
[00:24:43] Speaker C: Exactly. Or they create fights over such silly things. Well, you didn't do this. You said you were going to. And they just want to distract.
[00:24:52] Speaker B: That's exactly.
[00:24:53] Speaker C: Because they're feeling so bad. Okay. And then we've got, of course, that they feel so guilty that they'll say, you don't cook for me. You don't do this for me. You don't do this.
You're nagging. Oh, you're asking me too many questions. So they're flipping it onto you and that's a sign. The other thing is intuition.
Men as women, we are so intuitive. And when I work with my clients, I always help them get in touch with their intuition because it is unbelievable.
[00:25:30] Speaker B: That's right. Listen to it.
[00:25:32] Speaker C: Exactly. But they don't. You don't listen to it, because if.
[00:25:36] Speaker B: They really listen to it, the reality would be harsh.
[00:25:40] Speaker C: Exactly. And that would be tough to take. But peel the band aid off and save yourself some time.
So you listen to what, spiritually, that's still a small voice within.
And you stop running around and distracting yourself. You sit still and your intuition will really be there and you'll know it and you'll feel it.
And that's the short tail sign.
[00:26:12] Speaker B: And I don't know when that arises. I don't know how anybody can really stuff that down anymore.
[00:26:21] Speaker C: They must drink a lot of alcohol, maybe.
[00:26:24] Speaker B: So that's another session.
[00:26:28] Speaker C: Drugs. Exactly.
Right. And then you asked, I think, about what is the most surprising thing about a cheater. Okay, this is what I thought of today.
They will introduce you to the person they're cheating with.
[00:26:49] Speaker B: Oh, I think it's like a thing sometimes for some people.
[00:26:54] Speaker C: Oh, my God.
[00:26:55] Speaker B: Get away from.
[00:26:56] Speaker C: Exactly. How mean is that? And how cruel to that. Because what I say spiritually about cheating is there's a cardinal rule about it. It's called harm to none. With harm to none. I do this with harm to none. And cheating harms another person. So that's a thing about what is cheating. You are harming another person and you don't want that on your soul. No, because it will come back and you will not be sleeping well and you will be tormented from what you do to other people.
[00:27:36] Speaker B: Unless they just don't have a conscience.
[00:27:39] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:27:43] Speaker B: Okay. Is this on your list? What about improved appearance or a changing appearance?
[00:27:52] Speaker C: Oh, absolutely.
That is fantastic. Because all of a sudden they're, like, doing some getting haircuts, working out at the gym, working out, working out.
And so what do you do? I mean, you have to embrace that it's happening.
You have to embrace that it's happening. And it should lead you somewhere. It should lead you somewhere.
[00:28:24] Speaker B: Do you have difficulty when you realize what's going on and they don't, like, you have a client and they're telling you all this and they suspect it, but they don't have, I don't know if it's the courage or what it would be called the strength to admit it's happening and you realize it's happening? Do you tell them, look, this is what's happening. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Do you feel like people are accepting of that? Your client is accept. Do you have people who don't accept that? And they're just like, I can't deal with that.
[00:29:00] Speaker C: I'm thinking of a client who has a controlling husband and knows it, but never actually said it. And I think I took her through something where she was able to see it and say, he's controlling, but I definitely will target it so that someone can come up with the truth. Because the whole purpose is truth as fast as possible on all levels. So I may find a way to go in differently with different people.
[00:29:34] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:29:35] Speaker C: And if someone. If it's an addiction issue and they're really hurting their wives and they're cheating, I will go for it right away.
I will different spokes for different folks, but definitely with the truth as the purpose of the session.
[00:29:56] Speaker B: Do you think a relationship can survive cheating?
[00:30:02] Speaker C: Absolutely.
[00:30:03] Speaker B: How?
[00:30:04] Speaker C: Absolutely?
Yes.
Okay, so spiritual alchemy. Have you heard the term alchemy?
[00:30:11] Speaker B: I've heard alchemy, yes.
[00:30:12] Speaker C: Alchemy is like changing and transforming a state from base metal to gold, caterpillar to butterfly. That's what a relationship is about on a soul level. It invites us to grow.
We can do it alone or we can do it with a partner, but that's what it's about. It's not like stage one of the relationship. It's all beautiful, it's nice. Oh, Cinderella got the know. That's all the blind relationship that's not going to last.
And stage two of a relationship will be the curtains will open and you'll start to go, uh oh, we got some problems.
The. And then the next stage is full out problems. Oh, my God. Because you didn't see it at first or you were in the illusion, and then it gets ugly and you almost have to say, okay, what am I going to do? Am I going to leave this person, try to go back to stage one, or am I going to deal with this and heal from it so that we could go into stage four, which is the healing stage, and deal head on? Why you bring up my childhood issues. Why are you doing what my mom said? Am I having my mother's marriage, my father's marriage? You got to deal and grow from the pain, and then you have real love in stage five. So that's the alchemy of what we're doing on this earth, too.
It's not an easy path. And when you know the path and the manual, oh, you're going to enter life. It's going to be difficult. You're going to be like Dorothy in the wizard of Oz. You're going to meet a lot know people on the yellow brick road. You're going to go for the wizard, you're going to meet the witch. Can you survive it all and find it in your own shoes? That's really the journey. And relationships are that all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players. So we play parts with each other. And when you know that, you can begin to understand that relationships are going to be rocky. So if there's cheating, that's an issue, just like any other pain.
And what is it showing about the relationship? Right? It's showing you something. You're hiding. You're not talking. Something's coming up. Maybe your father cheated and you're living it out through this guy you're with. But you have to be able to see it as a healing thing and be willing to deal with it. Otherwise, again, you'll meet somebody and you'll just do the same thing.
[00:32:48] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:32:48] Speaker C: Over and over again. So, yes, if you look at cheating and you take it as an opportunity to get honest and real and you do the work, you can then make a decision at that point that we're done. We've learned from it. I'm not going to spy on you, but we're done and we're going to start over and we're going to have a clean slate. So then you have to say you're not going to bring it up. We're done.
[00:33:13] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:13] Speaker C: I mean, I had a client, a famous couple, where he cheated, and I said, you got a month. She's going to give it to you, scream whatever she needs to get out.
But then we're done and you're starting over.
[00:33:26] Speaker B: You can rehash it.
[00:33:27] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:33:28] Speaker B: Because you could hold it over somebody forever. It never.
[00:33:32] Speaker C: That's exactly right. So you have to go in it in a new way. And if it comes up and you see them cheating again, bye bye. You don't have to spy or look for things. Because what you need to do from this experience is grow in yourself, in your power to love yourself first so that you're not in need. And what happens through the cheating, too, is the other thing is you could be leaving that relationship and you evolved and grew and now something better is coming along well.
[00:34:06] Speaker B: And that was my next question. It's a good transition.
How do you move on after something like this? Can someone move on from an infidelity situation?
[00:34:19] Speaker C: Yes, because trauma has two roads. It really does.
It'll kill you, but it'll also be fuel. It really will. And working in a very expensive rehab, I've met the cream of the crop people and more money than God. And I'm like, wow. And they come from trailer parks. So much trauma. It's incredible.
The stories.
Yes. Trauma motivates you, inspires you to grow, but it can also kill you if you let it. So you got to be able to commit to the healing journey and do whatever it takes.
[00:35:04] Speaker B: Yes, do whatever it takes. Let's take another break real quick. I should have taken one a few minutes ago. This might be the only other one we get. So hang on, we'll be right back. You're listening to brain matters on 90.7. The Capstone.
[00:35:28] Speaker A: Tuscaloosa this show is not a substitute for professional counseling, and no relationship is created between the show hosts or guests and any listener. If you feel you are in need of professional mental health and are a UA student, we encourage you to contact the UA counseling center at 348-3863 if you are not a UA student, please contact your respective county's crisis service hotline or their local mental health agency or insurance company. If it is an emergency situation, please call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
[00:36:10] Speaker B: Matters I'm Dr. B. J. Gunther, and we're talking tonight about signs your partner is cheating. And we've gotten into a lot of details about this topic. Audrey Hope is my guest tonight. Audrey just mentioned she's a relationship expert, but she's in Los Angeles right now, California. And just know she counsels with celebrity couples who I'm dying to know, but I know you can't tell me, but that's just fascinating to me. It's intimidating a little bit. It would be intimidating a little bit because, I don't know, it just would be. I think it would be exciting and fun, too, but hard. Also because of what you mentioned, like the trauma that's involved with some people's lives, especially celebrities.
[00:37:02] Speaker C: Yes. And here's the thing. Bottom line, lay it out there. They suffered just like you and me.
[00:37:09] Speaker B: I know. I think once you get past the starstruckness, you're okay. You're talking to them just like we're talking.
I wrote this down when you were mentioning, when you were talking about, can a relationship survive infidelity? Do you encourage clients to confront the cheater?
[00:37:34] Speaker C: I'm. I'm trying to think of if I have a general thing about that.
[00:37:43] Speaker B: I know if there's abuse.
[00:37:44] Speaker C: I don't know if I know that. Definite answer for that. I think that in some cases I have.
We need to throw the bomb into the center of the room. Otherwise, you're going to buy the therapist a house in Miami.
You might as well just dump it out.
Is there a pink elephant in the room? No one wants to mention it.
There's been another thing. Interesting. You're making me. Oh, my God. I'm thinking of another couple that we had. I said, you know, you're going to owe her. She's not leaving you. Let's put some cash on the table, right?
[00:38:30] Speaker B: Maybe that'll motivate you.
[00:38:32] Speaker C: Oh, how much is this going to cost me? Wow. And you know what?
Sometimes it works. It works with some cash to it and pay the debt. It's so much easier to pay a debt in court.
[00:38:48] Speaker B: It is rather than a turn, like cut and dry.
[00:38:52] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:38:54] Speaker B: How do you deal with the trust issue?
[00:38:59] Speaker C: Well, you got to reboot the computer, which means from now on, I'm going to trust, because I'm going to trust myself. So the attention of the camera is off the other person and you become fabulous. You put all the attention on you becoming magnificent, fabulous. A great cake. And you are the whipped cream, but you ain't the whole thing. So when the attention is on, I'm going to be like going to the gym. I'm going to have a new life. Energetically, the other person goes, uhoh, it's changed energetically. I don't want to lose them. So I'm going to improve.
[00:39:39] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:39:40] Speaker C: So again, it's an energy thing of where your attention is. I'm not going to be begging you to stop doing it. Go because I'm going to trade it up. I had a best friend, she said, we got to trade it up.
[00:39:53] Speaker B: Trade up.
[00:39:53] Speaker C: So trade it up on what you're putting your attention to. And that's always great. To become fabulous.
[00:40:03] Speaker B: What's the first thing you suggest somebody does if they suspect cheating?
[00:40:10] Speaker C: Deal with it. Investigate it.
[00:40:13] Speaker B: Investigate it.
[00:40:14] Speaker C: Investigate it in yourself. What's going on in the marriage? What really is going on?
Do you care?
[00:40:23] Speaker B: Yeah, that's a good question.
Sometimes I wonder, do you?
[00:40:27] Speaker C: Yeah. Or are you in the marriage for financial reasons and do you mind?
But you have to investigate the whole thing that's happening and see what it really does to you and what's going on. But stop the wheel and stay still and deal. Like, what are you doing here? Stop running and hiding and deal with the issue.
[00:40:54] Speaker B: Would you ever recommend a private investigator? Would you ever recommend that they have a private.
[00:41:02] Speaker C: Yes. So now I'm thinking you're bringing up specific clients.
I have so many clients who are men, so rich, who have married women who were not so bright, try to take all their money.
They wouldn't do that in business, but they would marry someone and risk their finances. It's been a very interesting thing about looking at the level of self esteem issues that were never handled, because men have a tendency to fix things. There's nothing in our society that helps men to deal with their issues.
So when they come in for addiction, it's kind of like, oh, it's okay to look at it now. And we find out there was a bullying. Maybe there was an add issue in school. So you weren't so smart, but you never dealt with it. And so it's coming up now because you're in this divorce and it's activating all this. So now we're looking at the primal issues that never got handled. And with one client who in particular really got taken to the cleaners, and he decided he was getting a private investigator on anybody that he would date.
And I thought it was a very wise.
[00:42:31] Speaker B: I do, too. It's not a bad idea when you have money.
[00:42:35] Speaker C: Exactly.
[00:42:36] Speaker B: You're going to meet. I mean, these are gold diggers. No matter if it's a man or a woman out there.
How important really is it to prove that the person is cheating before you confront them? Is that important?
[00:42:54] Speaker C: I love that question.
I think that you have to go inside your heart and soul, and you have to ask yourself, is it all worth it to you?
[00:43:09] Speaker B: Right.
[00:43:09] Speaker C: Because to live that way and to be suspicious, what the hell is going on?
Yeah.
Who really needs it? And if a person has integrity and they're honest again, that's a spiritual way to live.
You could trust them if they're a person who's very spiritual and they know that if I do something, there'll be karma.
That's a good person to be with someone who goes around, and then they know that it's going to come back and bite them in their own way, the lying of them. You see what I'm saying? And if you're with a person like that, you can trust that. Like, for me, I had to be with a spiritual man. I just had to, with my work and everything. So that was important to me. Someone who would look at themselves and know that there's a higher scope of looking down.
[00:44:08] Speaker B: That's right. Something to answer to.
Maybe you've already answered this, but how does someone decide whether or not they want to save the relationship after there's been betrayal?
[00:44:25] Speaker C: Well, that's about the fear of why you're with someone. Why are you really with someone? And sometimes I'll say, come on, come on. You're with them for the money. Can we stop it? Don't you feel better now that you know that?
[00:44:39] Speaker B: Or like you mentioned earlier, a fear of being alone.
That's what I hear college students telling me. A lot of them, they're not in it for the money yet, but they're with somebody who has cheated on them because they don't want to be alone.
[00:44:57] Speaker C: I don't know what's going on with college kids because it's a different generation. We didn't have the social media stuff, and there's a lot of people that are really in pain because of what they see on social media. That's a whole nother topic. That's new.
[00:45:16] Speaker B: It's a new animal.
[00:45:18] Speaker C: It's a new animal in a new age and a new thing. And this TikTok and looking at people, I've seen people on Facebook, they look so happy, and then they come into my office and they're screaming and it's horrible.
[00:45:33] Speaker B: It's a lie.
[00:45:35] Speaker C: This fake world.
[00:45:36] Speaker B: It's a takes. It is very hard to get a student to block an ex or it's very hard to work on that because it takes a lot of discipline. And very rarely do I have a student who is able to block the person that they're in the relationship on social media and not look at any of that or completely cut them off.
[00:46:07] Speaker C: Yes, it's hard. It takes a lot of the foundation of their house needs to be built.
[00:46:15] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:46:17] Speaker C: They need to become strong, and they need to really look at their mom and dad issues, and they really need to go in there and do some real healing, because if that's happening, something else has been going on from childhood.
[00:46:31] Speaker B: Last question, Audrey, and then I'll let you go. Do you have any resources for listeners? I think you mentioned, did you mention writing a book or wanting to write a book? Do you have any books?
[00:46:43] Speaker C: Oh, I have all my YouTube, which I've done for so long. YouTube, Audrey. Hope now.
Yes, and the books are coming, but googling some of the articles that I've written and my website, audreyhope.com, I've written a lot through the years on different issues, being authentic and all that. But my YouTube is really nuggets. It's called Hope. There's, one of the YouTube stations is hope for relationships, which is like, if you do this, I put it all on there because I wanted to as quickly as possible. Sometimes it'll be a minute or two, like, if you do this, blah, blah, blah, like that. I just wanted to document it all. Years ago I did that, and now I'm putting it into a book. And we're also doing some tv shows, which is exciting.
We've done a couple of pilots.
[00:47:39] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:47:39] Speaker C: So that's next.
And I'd love to be able to put it out there in a bigger way, like help the world so they don't get into all these pitfalls.
[00:47:50] Speaker B: Oh, yes.
Can you talk about the tv shows that are coming up? Can you talk about.
[00:47:56] Speaker C: I can't say the name. One of them is really like, we have a team of healers that I put together, and we'll go in there as a team and heal the issues. But you'll actually see the healing. Like it's not just blah, blah, blah, it's like real. That's cool. It's like real. And the other one is just me doing my work and showing different situations of different clients, different case scenarios. Yeah.
[00:48:24] Speaker B: How exciting.
[00:48:27] Speaker C: That's exciting.
I really appreciate your questions and I really appreciate what you do. And I hope I've added, you have.
[00:48:40] Speaker B: Always say that the hour goes by fast. And it does go by fast. It really does.
[00:48:44] Speaker C: Well, you must be a good interviewer.
[00:48:46] Speaker B: Thank you, but I don't know about that. Do you have a website?
[00:48:51] Speaker C: Yes. Audreyhope.com.
[00:48:53] Speaker B: What a cool name.
[00:48:54] Speaker C: That's my name.
[00:48:57] Speaker B: I wanted to ask you and I forgot. Is that your real name, Audrey?
[00:49:00] Speaker C: That's my middle name. That's my middle name. And I've always known I was going to use it because. Come on. Come on, hope. Yes.
God has a sense of humor.
[00:49:13] Speaker B: That's beautiful. Thank you. Thank you for being on our little campus radio station.
[00:49:19] Speaker C: My pleasure. Keep up the great work.
[00:49:22] Speaker B: This is fun. This is fun. Don't forget our shows are recorded and podcasted on the Apple podcast. I forgot to mention again our email brainmattersradio at wbuafm ua.edu. If you want to send me ideas for upcoming shows or if you have questions about tonight's show, send those to me. Our shows are recorded podcasted on Apple Podcast, also on audioboom.com and voices ua.edu. You just type in brain matters and you'll find some of our past shows. There's also a link to voices ua.edu on our counseling center's website at counseling ua.edu. Don't forget to join us next week. I always like to thank the few people who've made our show possible. Our executive director here at the counseling center, Dr. Greg Vanderwald, my producer, Katherine Howell, who is not here tonight, but she will be back in a couple of weeks. My colleagues at the counseling center, the WVUA staff who helps edit our show every week, and of course, my guest tonight, Audrey Hope. Don't forget we're on again next week. Same time, same place. And the topic next week is one that Audrey kind of hit on at the beginning of the show, setting boundaries and putting a stop to self sabotage, which I see a lot of, to be honest. So again, thanks for listening tonight. We'll see you here next week. Good night.
[00:50:52] Speaker A: This show was not intended as a substitute for professional counseling. Further, the views, opinions, and conclusions expressed by the show hosts or their guests are their own and not necessarily those of the University of Alabama, its officers or trustees. Any views, opinions, or conclusions shared on the show do not create a relationship between the host or any guest and any listener, and such a relationship should never be inferred. If you feel you are in need of professional mental health and are a UA student, please contact the UA Counseling center at 348-3863 if you are not a UA student, please contact your respective county's Cris service hotline or their local mental health agency or insurance company.
